Revenge of the Chili Queens Read online

  “Tacky,” I said. “And not at all in keeping with the spirit of the evening.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s plenty clever,” Sylvia insisted. “So’s their marketing strategy. You’re dressed as a Chili Queen. There are a couple descendants of the real Chili Queens over there.” She couldn’t exactly point, since she had all those napkins in her arms, but she looked across the plaza at another of the tents. “There’s even a tent being run by a couple drag queens.”

  This, I thought, was hilarious, but Sylvia just rolled her eyes.

  “None of that was good enough for the Consolidated folks. They’ve got beauty queens handing out their chili samples. Real, honest-to-goodness beauty queens. I saw Miss Texas Spice. And Miss Chili’s Cookin’. Chili’s Cookin’, isn’t that cute? It’s one of the names of the chilies they sell.”

  “Trashy and flashy.” I ought to know, since I’d been called the same things myself a time or two. I didn’t take it personally. At least not when the criticisms were aimed my way. I did take it personally when some big megacorporation stepped in and started messing with tradition and taste and everything else that’s near and dear to the heart of every true chili lover.

  “They even have some bigwig here tonight overseeing the whole thing,” Sylvia added, standing on tiptoe so that she could crane her neck and get another look at the Consolidated tent over the heads of the workers who scurried around. “I didn’t see him, but I sure saw his limo. Big and black and shiny with a Tri-C license plate. Tri-C, get it? Consolidated Chili Corp. A big, shiny limo sure beats our RV and our food truck all to heck!” Sylvia gave an unladylike snort. “All these years, Jack has been wasting his time with the Showdown when he should have been concentrating on building a bigger business. Look what it did for those Consolidated Chili folks! And look . . .” In her megacorporation frenzy, she dropped the plastic-wrapped bundles of napkins so she could point. A tall man in a dark suit had just entered the Consolidated Chili Corp tent, and even though I couldn’t see his face, I could tell by the set of his shoulders and the angle of his white ten-gallon hat that he was someone to be reckoned with. Then again, the way the Consolidated Chili people started fawning and gawking and milling around him pretty much told me that, too.

  I folded my arms over my chest when I raised my chin and leveled her with a look. “They can act like big shots all they want. And they can pretend they’re upholding some long Texas tradition, but anybody who knows anything about chili knows the truth. There’s nothing better in the world than honest-to-goodness chili and nothing better than real people making it, not machines and cans and conglomerates.” My lips puckered at the thought. “And there’s nothing better than the Showdown, Sylvia, don’t you forget that. Jack was doing what Jack loved to do. What he still . . .” Like I often did, I teared up thinking about Jack. Over the last couple months, I’d tried my best to find out what happened to my dad, but so far, I’d had no luck.

  I bit my lower lip to control myself before I said, “There’s nothing better than traveling with our friends and fellow vendors. Nothing better than meeting chili lovers and spreading the word about chili.”

  “Whatever!” Sylvia rolled her eyes. “You keep telling yourself that, Maxie. Me, I’ll keep dreaming of that wonderful someday when I work for some real company like that Consolidated Chili.” Thinking, she cocked her head. “They must need PR people, right? I’ve got plenty of experience as a food writer. And they must need admin types, too. Obviously, we wouldn’t have done as well as we have with the Palace these last couple months if it wasn’t for me. You have no head for business.”

  “You have no head for business.” Yes, it was juvenile of me to repeat her criticism in a singsongy voice, but hey, Sylvia and I had been fighting all our lives, and maybe on some ethereal plane, even before. See, my mother had won Jack’s heart when he was still married to Sylvia’s mother. Sylvia had spent her life convinced that it was my fault.

  His back was still to me as I watched the man in the dark suit and the big hat make his way through the crowd in the Consolidated Chili tent, and the way everyone bowed and scraped, I was surprised I didn’t see anybody kiss his ring. “You think real business is about some stuffy executive everyone sucks up to? That a real company is all about beauty queens and little bottle openers?” The irony of my questions was lost on Sylvia. Which is odd, since I’m the one who would normally find a bottle opener plenty useful, and she’s the one who usually thinks things like that are vulgar. Then again, I guess vulgar takes on a whole new meaning when it’s being orchestrated by some mega-rich corporation.

  “I think real business is all about making connections with people,” I told my half sister.

  The nod she gave me in return was filled with pity. “Like the connection you were trying to make with that guitar player? I see disaster ahead. Again. You’re always picking the wrong kinds of guys.”

  “And you’re so good at picking the right ones? Like the one who got killed back in Taos.” Oh, there was a story there, all right, and it wasn’t a pretty one, since Roberto (whose name wasn’t really Roberto and who wasn’t really a Showdown roadie like we all thought he was and who, not so incidentally, turned up dead) was once engaged to my oh-so-perfect half sister. “Do me a favor and keep your advice to yourself,” I told her.

  Her shoulders went rigid. So did that simpering little smile that was second nature to her, even when she was saying something hurtful and cruel. Which was a lot of the time.

  “All right. If that’s the way you want it. But oh, Maxie, when will you ever learn?”

  Good thing Sylvia gathered up those packages of napkins and walked away. Otherwise, I would have had to point out that I had already learned. I’d learned from Edik, the guy back in Chicago who emptied my bank account and broke what I have of a heart. Just like I had learned from a string of losers before him.

  Speaking of guys, Nick Falcone, a former LA cop and now the Showdown’s head of security, picked that moment to stroll over to the Consolidated Chili tent. Yeah, Nick was delectable. And as cuddly as a cactus.

  I’d bet anything he was after one of those little bottle openers.

  Or one of those perky beauty queens.

  I didn’t really care, right? I mean ever since Edik, I’d sworn off relationships.

  Tell that to the sour thoughts that pounded through my head while I set up folding chairs, covered tables with plastic tablecloths, and—while Sylvia wasn’t looking—added some dried Aji Amarillo peppers and ground pasillas to the too-bland-for-me pots of chili she’d made for tonight’s event.

  By the time I was done, the sun had set and the fund-raising event had officially opened to the public.

  We were plenty busy, and for that, I was grateful. Aside from the fact that the donations guests left in the big pottery-ware bowl we had near our serving station were helping to raise money for a good cause, I was talking up the Palace and people were learning about the Showdown. Lots of them said they’d come to the fairgrounds over the next few days to buy spices.

  I knew I could thank the Aji Amarillos and the pasillas for that.

  “Whoo heee!” Wiping a big red bandana across his forehead, Tumbleweed Ballew plodded into our tent and helped himself to a bowl of our chili. He gave me a wink. “Hotter than a Lone Star barbeque tonight! But that’s not going to keep me from trying your chili. I’ve tried every single one of them.”

  “Even Consolidated’s?” I asked him.

  Tumbleweed has big ears and heavy jowls. He frowned and shook his head, and his jowls flapped. “Canned!” The way he harrumphed said it all. “But I’ll tell you what, those ladies from the Women’s League, their chili ain’t half bad.” He glanced beyond the Consolidated Chili tent to another setup where the lights seemed brighter than ours and the line for chili looked longer. And better dressed.

  “No matter,” he said with a twitch of his shoulders. “I know yours
will be the best, Maxie, honey.” Tumbleweed downed a spoonful, smiled, and nodded. “Sylvia didn’t have nothing to do with this bowl of goodness!”

  “She had plenty to do with it,” I said, but only because Sylvia was within earshot and because I’d tell Tumbleweed the truth later. Tumbleweed and Ruth Ann, his missus, were the heart and soul of the Showdown. They scheduled our stops, they lined up city permits, they did all our advertising. All the years I traveled the Showdown circuit with Jack when I was a kid, Tumbleweed and Ruth Ann were the people I thought of as the ideal family. Even back then, I figured they’d been married for longer than I’d been alive, and since they didn’t have any kids of their own, they took me and Sylvia under their wings. Or at least they tried. Sylvia being Sylvia, she never got close to anyone who traveled with the Showdown, and me, I was usually too busy getting into trouble to listen to much of what Tumbleweed and Ruth Ann had to say.

  Which didn’t mean I didn’t adore both of them to pieces.

  Smiling, I glanced around at the twinkling lights and listened to the smooth cascade of flamenco guitar that came from somewhere over near the Consolidated Chili tent. I thought of Mr. Hot Guitar Player, but there was no sign of him over there, just another of the entertainers who’d stopped to play and smiled broadly when the little clutch of people around him applauded. “It must have been something, huh?”

  Tumbleweed didn’t have to ask what I was talking about. Like I said, we’d known each other a long time. “It was a wonderful tradition. The Chili Queens were the center of San Antonio social life. At least until the late 1930s when the city shut them down. Said they were a health risk. Imagine that! Imagine giving up a scene like this that played out at plazas all over town. People gathered every evening to eat and laugh and talk. You don’t get that kind of community now and it’s a shame, ain’t it? These days, it’s all about how fast you can do something, not how well you can do it. It’s all about texting and e-mailing. There aren’t enough connections between people. Look around!” We both did, drinking in the wonderful atmosphere along with a huge helping of humidity. “Just think of how the world would be a better place. You know, if we all got out every evening and talked to our neighbors and got to know one another and—”

  As sweet as it all was, Tumbleweed never got a chance to finish what he was going to say. That’s because we heard a woman scream from across the plaza. That scream was followed by another voice—also a woman’s—whose pinched falsetto could have shattered glass.

  “She’s crazy. I told you the gringo was crazy! This crazy woman, you see what she is trying to do. She is trying to kill me!”

  CHAPTER 2

  Like I was going to miss out on something as juicy as a death threat in the middle of a charity event?

  I gave Sylvia a quick “I’ll be right back,” and just like a whole bunch of other people who’d been nearby and heard the carrying-on, I raced across the plaza to see what was up.

  I found the center of the commotion not far from the main entrance to Read with the Chili Queens.

  Read with them?

  It looked to me like the two Chili Queens who stood toe-to-toe just inside the entrance to one of the tents were more interested in duking it out. Oh yeah, they had fire in their eyes. And chili ladles coated with tomatoes and spices and all kinds of greasy goodness in their hands.

  The woman on my left was short and husky. Her silver hair was pulled back and tucked into a neat bun, and her beefy arms were slick with sweat that sparkled like sequins when the overhead lights twinkled. She wore a long black skirt, like mine, and a red shirt. Both were covered by the white apron looped around her neck.

  The woman who stood opposite her was taller by a head, with salt-and-pepper hair cut stylishly short and shaggy and a chin as pointed as the look she gave the other woman. She wore a white dress like a nurse might wear, with an apron printed with blue and red flowers over it.

  “I’m crazy? Me?” Like the chili that dribbled from the ladle in her hand, the taller woman’s words dripped malice. So did the look she tossed at the other woman. “You’re the one who—”

  “Loco! I told you! I told you she was nuts!” As if to gather support, the shorter woman took a moment to glance at the gathering crowd. When she stepped back and pointed her chili ladle at the other woman, the taller woman flinched, squinted, and stepped back, too. She bent her elbow and cradled the long handle of her ladle in one hand.

  Across from her, the shorter woman mirrored her stance.

  I held my breath and waited for someone to shout out En garde!

  Before anybody could, Nick Falcone showed up. Didn’t it figure? The guy who fuels my fantasies also ruins all the fun.

  Nick stepped between the two women, and I had to give him credit; while the rest of us were waiting there, tense and perspiring and anxious to see who would twitch her ladle first and fling the first splats of chili, Nick was his usual cool-as-a-cucumber self. Navy suit (in this heat, was the guy crazy?), starched white shirt, killer tie in swirls of green and a blue that (not coincidentally, I’d bet) matched his out-of-this-world eyes. His expression was as suave as his outfit, like he was chatting up these two adversaries at a cocktail party instead of diffusing what looked like it might turn into a rip-roaring chili smackdown.

  “Ladies.” Nick nodded toward one woman, then the other, and believe me, I think he knew exactly what he was doing when he added one of his signature hotter-than-a-ghost-pepper smiles. Hey, when you’ve got that kind of talent, you’ve got to work it. “What seems to be the problem?”

  “Problem?” the short woman blurted out. “Martha, she don’t know the meaning of the word problem.”

  “Shaking in my shoes over here, Rosa,” the taller woman snapped, and as if to prove it, she gave her shoulders an exaggerated wiggle. “As always, you scare me to death!”

  “I should.” Rosa’s dark eyes spit fire. When she stepped forward, so did Martha, and Nick held both his arms out to his sides to keep the women from getting any closer to each other. Or maybe he was just trying to make sure his suit didn’t get any chili on it.

  He looked at the crowd in that steely sort of way cops (and, apparently, former cops) always do. “Excitement’s over, folks. Time to head back to the party.”

  It wasn’t a request.

  And nobody was about to argue.

  One by one, the partygoers drifted away to the other tents.

  Except for the one who wasn’t about to cave. Or miss one second of the excitement.

  I think the moment Nick let go a breath that was all about praying for patience was just a heartbeat after he realized that I was still hanging around.

  “You want to tell me what you’re doing here?” he asked me.

  My shrug should have said it all, but in case he missed it, I told him. “I figured you might need my help.”

  His smile was tight and not the least bit friendly.

  Which was the only reason I was forced to remind him, “You know, the way you needed my help back in Taos when that Showdown roadie was killed. Or like back in Vegas when we were having the Devil’s Breath chili contest and—”

  “I probably don’t need your help this time,” Nick said.

  “But you might.” As if to prove it, I stepped into the tent where Rosa and Martha were still shooting death ray looks at each other. “If this has something to do with chili, let’s face it, Nick, I’m probably the only one who can help. So ladies . . .” I glanced from Rosa to Martha and back again to Rosa. “What’s shaking?”

  Nick’s grumble echoed back at us from the walls of the Alamo just beyond the perimeter of this particular tent. Even though I’m not much for history and don’t know the exact story—I mean, not all the facts and all the details and the whole blow-by-blow the way a lot of people I’d already met in San Antonio did—I still recognized the iconic building made of creamy-colored stone. It was smal
ler than it looked in the pictures I’d seen online, and spookier looking, too. But then, the way I heard it, the famous battle that happened here in 1836 lasted thirteen days and killed something like eight hundred people.

  Spooky went with the territory.

  While I was studying the building with its arched facade and distinctive columns on either side of the main doorway, Nick was concentrating on the matter at hand.

  “You’re causing a commotion.” I didn’t think he could possibly be referring to me, so I let him keep talking. “Someone want to tell me what’s going on?”

  “This gringo here,” Rosa began.

  “She thinks she’s God’s gift,” Martha spat out.

  And Nick held up both his hands again.

  “One at a time. Or we’re never going to get anywhere. I was over there,” he said, “at the Consolidated Chili tent, and—”

  “You’re kidding me, right?” Disgusted, I threw my hands in the air. “Don’t you know what those people are? Who they are? Purveyors of cheap chili. Cheap canned chili. You call that authentic? You call that in keeping with the traditions of the San Antonio Chili Queens?”

  “This little girl, she’s right,” Rosa said, and just like I did, she shot a look back toward the tent. Even as we spoke, a woman with very big blond hair in a very short and tight black dress, a very sparkly tiara, and a banner across her chest was handing out bottle openers and chili samples to everyone who walked by—including, I noticed, the hunky guitar player I’d met earlier. Rosa’s top lip curled and left a smudge of ruby red lipstick on her teeth. “They have no business here.”

  “They shouldn’t even be allowed in this sacred place,” Martha said, and for one moment, I actually thought the two women had found common ground and could put their differences aside.